I probably have had a few readers wondering when is he ever going to recognize his Dad? As I have mentioned in prior posts, the order of the men I have written about are in chronological order. I chose this particular post to tell you about my dad. Part of the reason for now is that I have just graduated from High School and at a way too young age I also was married the same year. So basically I finished high school and married and left home later in 1969. Dad had done about all he could in shaping me as a man, or so I thought. The real truth is that even today he continues to influence. Dad is now 83 and I am 60.
I am not trying in anyway to gloss over our relationship. It has not always been the perfect father/son friendship or relationship. I think part of this was because it was life and we both were and are imperfect beings. I have thought a lot about dad and where we were and where we are today. As a young teenager, I once told dad that I dreaded seeing him walk in the door each evening because he was always negative and always finding fault in me. The truth is that I probably deserved the criticism and dad was there to dish it out. Even though it has been over forty years since I made that statement to dad, I can still remember the sadness in dad's eyes when I told him that I dreaded seeing him walk in the door each night. That was a truly callus thing to say and dad, if I haven't asked for your forgiveness, I ask you now to forgive me.
Many years have passed since that happened and I fast forward to the past few weeks. For the first time in our lives, dad and I talk every week via phone. Neither one of us can travel with ease due to our illnesses, etc. What I have noticed that when we get on the phone, our conversations have grown in the length of time that we simply just want to talk. The subject matter is not always about my cancer or his various ailments. Sometimes it is about our beloved Razorbacks or the latest things happening in my old home town. Dad keeps me posted about our family in Arkansas and I keep him informed about his grandchildren and great grandchildren. I guess that this awful cancer has done more to heal our relationship than any other thing.
So how do you come up with all the ways that your dad influenced your life? There is not a list of items to check off. Dad was never an extroverted person. He kept everything to himself and did not open up to folks about how he really felt. So my thoughts are that dad let his life do the talking. He is a man of integrity. He is honest to the core. I remember the last few years of my mom's life. It was a time of trials everyday in how to care for her. Dad did not take her to a nursing home. For the last couple of years, he did hire a couple of ladies to help him in caring for her. He also has some dear sisters who helped him all they could. Dad devoted himself to her care during her last couple of years. He bathed her, lifted her, cooked all of her meals and his life was all about meeting her needs. I don't know that I could have done what he did.
I can remember on more than one occasion that mom would tell me that your dad loves you guys so much but he just can't express that love and you need to know that you and your brother are the most important people in his life. Dad introduced me to the poultry industry and helped me land my first job in that field. I spent twenty years working for the same company that he retired from. I am convinced that dad's superior performance for that company probably helped me get a job I was not qualified for. The people who hired me probably said that if he is anything like his dad, we should hire him. I remember that I thought dad was one of the smartest men in our industry. Every time I would be in a conversation with someone in our company or industry, they always said that my dad was one of the best at what he did. Dad had several hundred people reporting to him in those days and they truly respected him.
There is always so much more that I wish I could fit into this format but you would probably tire from a too lengthy expose. I have not tried to leave out the bad parts and as stated earlier, I was not trying to gloss over our relationship. It was always real, not always pretty, but very real. Dad, I am who I am because you were who you were. My own children probably have some baggage due to my life but when they someday reflect on their dad, I pray they can sort out the good from the bad and that the good will far exceed the bad. Dad, I just want you to know that I am truly thankful that God chose you to be my dad. You and I did not have a perfect relationship, but I think I can say that I am closer to you than ever before. I said at mom's funeral that you were my hero and I still say that same thing today. Thank you for influencing my life in a mighty way and for being my dad. I love you dad and I look forward to those weekly phone calls.
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